How to Be a Bad Seller
Not interested in ever selling your home? Want to have potential buyers leaving your property in disgust? Does the thought of being the bane to real estate agents everywhere appeal to you? If so, here are some tips just for you!
- Keep It Smelly - The number 1 way to get a buyer to completely lose interest in your home is odor. If you never want to sell your home, stink the place up! Give special attention to smoke and pet odors, in particular. For added effect, attempt to cover up those offensive odors with even stronger amounts of perfume, potpourri and air fresheners. Those buyers won't know what hit them!
- Release the Hounds - Dogs, whether overly-friendly or not friendly at all, can be a big hassle to people trying to decide whether to buy your house. Imagine when those buyers open the front door, only to be greeted by your slobbering great dane putting his paws on their shoulders! They will be fleeing before you know it!
- Darkness Falls - No one ever feels welcome in a dungeon. Dimly lit rooms can create a sense of unease, making rooms seem smaller, dirtier, and uncomfortable. Perfect for the house that never sells! If you want to make sure those buyers never give your house a second look, keep those curtains closed, find the lowest wattage light bulbs available for those lamps and never clean those shades. You might be able to enjoy the looks of disgust on those buyers' faces - if only you could see them.
- Creepy Crawlers - If you don't mind letting a few extra house-guests move in with you, this is a surefire way to keep buyers away. No one will ever buy a home that has roaches, ants, spiders, flies, or any kind of pest inhabiting the property. Even a few spider webs will be enough to send most buyers back to their car, fuming and trying to pull invisible webbing from their hair.
- Zero Curb Appeal - Imagine when buyers pull up to that dark, dirty house on the street, its yard overgrown, weeds strangling long-dead flowers, leaves covering the sidewalks, paint chipping, screen door hanging off the hinges. What will they be thinking? Who lives here? Some kind of wildman? The unibomber? No, it's just Bad Home Seller! If you're lucky, they'll just keep on driving.
- Creative Planters - You may be determined to let the rest of your yard die away, but there's one place where you should allow vegetation to grow freely - your gutters! Why not? They get plenty of water and sunlight, and you haven't mowed your grass in months so you're certainly not going to go up there and clean them out. They make perfect planters!
- Hover Around - If buyers manage to break through all your defenses and still insist on looking around your home, make sure that you follow them from room to room as closely as possible. Try to overhear every conversation. Make sure you act offended anytime they find something they don't like. Hover around like a vulture and you can be assured that they won't be hanging around long.
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